I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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