Too much gin, very little bucket
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
