i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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