you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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