Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize