Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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