Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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