Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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