is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize