the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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