I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
