hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
