I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
