Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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