I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
