Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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