He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Congratulations! We have a period
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize