I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
