I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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