You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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