Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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