Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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