You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize