I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
