in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
