Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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