You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
