My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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