I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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