my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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