she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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