you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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