Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
