My first STD was from a foam party
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
