Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
