apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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