you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
