I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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