When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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