giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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