What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
