Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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