hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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