Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
