you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
