she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
