I'm gonna have a badass scar
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My bed smells like the plague
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
