I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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