i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want a musical about memes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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