im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
