im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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