my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
