Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
