I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
