Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
