Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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